


Hurricane Highlife

by justhavesex



Category: Gintama
Genre: Comedy, M/M, Mpreg, the amanto ruin gin-chans life once again, title based off of the song Hurricane Highlife by WDL (ft. Mawe)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-14
Updated: 2017-08-14
Packaged: 2018-12-15 03:53:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11797830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justhavesex/pseuds/justhavesex
Summary: Honestly he didn't even realize he was pregnant until he got morning sickness and fatter and that the morning news described that the random tattoo he found on his stomach—that he thought maybe he just got while he was black-out drunk despite knowing he hasn't gotten drunk the past month—was not in fact a random drunk mistake but the sign of a successful impregnation.Gintoki promptly decides he hates the amanto and calls up Katsura asking to join the joui fraction once again.





	Hurricane Highlife

 

 

"In recent news; male pregnancy has been confirmed."

Sure him and Hijikata are dating but they aren't that kind of  _serious_  couple. Ya know? They're more of a float through life, see each other every now and then kind of couple. The kind of old married couple point where they know the other won't leave them and can rely on the other to behave as predicted. A comfortable middle ground where they'll probably never cross: they don't want to get married, they don't want kids with each other. They barely want to be in each other's lives.

They fuck and stuff and  _have_ —it's been four years and despite how dysfunctional their relationship appears on the outside—admitted to each other that they like each other. It was said gruffly and into the other's neck after two rounds of butt fucking, in a groggy barely above a whisper, but Hijikata the bastard, definitely heard him. Hijikata was more blunt about it, while they were eating take-out and grumbling at each other over random bullshit. It was just a simple lull in the conversation before Hijikata had said calmly, 'I love you' nothing more, nothing less.

They're two guys they can't exactly  _have_  kids just from fucking, it's a whole process and all that jazz and they really couldn't be bothered. Plus, Gintoki doesn't like the idea of mixing a baby into their chaotic life styles. For one he's saving the universe on a bi-monthly basis, Edo on a weekly basis and deals with batshit insane people terrifyingly often  _and_  terrorists too boot. Hijikata, for fucks  _sake_ , is a police officer that deals specifically with terrorism. For the two of them there really isn't any room for that stereotypical settling down.

"—it appears that last month a weird amanto drug related to male-pregnancies was released in the air," sure him and Hijikata are mainly stable and everyone kinda vaguely knows that they're together  _together_ —Sa-chan had screamed and stalked him for a week following the reveal, and had promptly decided it was Gintoki playing some sort of neglect play on her—but Gintoki barely even likes  _thinking_  'oh yes, this is Hijikata Toushiro, my boyfriend' let alone something more than that. That weird tattoo on his stomach? He rubs his pajama shirt up, Shinpachi and Kagura's eyes glancing over it, before the news flashes to a photo with an eerily similar tattoo. He entertains the idea that some wild tattoo-artist has been going around Edo tattooing black-out drunk people the past few weeks. "Those with this tattoo on their stomach, especially if male, are likely to be pregnant due to sexual intercourse with another male. Pregnancy apparently may even occur if—"

"G—Gin-san," Shinpachi stutters out and Gintoki takes to looking at his stomach with a peculiar look, face suddenly paling.

"No no no no, it's that you know! That, I got drunk and got a tattoo—" which he hasn't even been drunk enough for the past month, he's only had two drinks in recent days because the smell of alcohol makes him nauseous. He  _can't_  be pregnant. Not with that bastards child. No way. He shakes his head, glancing at the tattoo one last time before tugging down his shirt. "Mine doesn't look anything like that, no, definitely doesn't."

It's during his internal freak out as Shinpachi is pointing to the TV and back to Gintoki's stomach with loud exclamations, "Gin-san, you're  _pregnant_! With Hijikata-san's kid, Gin-san don't—"

And during this early morning screaming match plus Kagura bashing her head back and forth screaming something about sex and homos and  _disgusting Gin-chan and that mayo brained dog_ —that all three fail to take notice of the two police officers stationed at their doorway.

"Boss is pregnant?"

The three of them abruptly stop screaming and decide to fall into a weird sort of trance, hyper-alerted silence. Honestly, Gintoki's mind races. He's pregnant. Oh god he's  _pregnant_. But maybe not, maybe he's infected with the amanto air thingy ma-bob and he's not  _yet_  pregnant but fertile or something,  _yeah_ , he thinks with fervent nods,  _like a woman on her period. Of course._

"You pig!" Kagura hollers, scaling the couch and abruptly grabbing Hijikata by the collar as she shakes him back and forth, "How dare you impregnate Gin-chan! Filthy adults!  _Disgusting_!"

"Kagura-chan—"

As Kagura manages to tip over the couch, Gintoki manages to do the first thing he's been doing the past week and a half between the first hour of waking up. Puking. He stops mid-sentence, pauses the entire flow of the room, and bee-lines for the washroom to do his morning business. It all passes in a blur, but he can feel Hijikata rubbing his back awkwardly and Gintoki wishes he could spit out ' _I'm not fucking pregnant_ ' because he isn't. He definitely isn't.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Congratulations, you're 3 weeks pregnant."

It's just not one of the things he ever thought he'd get in life: it was a part of life he willingly threw away. Family life was something he went his entire childhood life without, and he was expecting to die the same way. He fucking started a long-term relationship with a  _man_ , penis and all, because he liked the idea of their quiet life ahead of them. Hijikata doesn't even like kids, he's pretty sure of this at the very least, barely even likes being around Kagura and she's a pre-teen at least. He was planning on Kagura moving out, Shinpachi probably staying near him because he's a momma's boy till death—and Gintoki likes to think he takes up that role quite well—and that him and that mayo-brained idiot would grow old sucking on each other's dicks.

Hijikata slinks him back into the car after that, hand wordlessly on the arch of his back in a protective stance that Gintoki always see's husbands doing. People are always so nervous around pregnant woman, he is too, there's just something wordlessly nerve wracking about a woman carrying the life of someone else, it puts everyone on a weird edge where they feel the need to protect them  _and_  coddle them.

"The doctor says you should avoid raw foods," is what Hijikata breaks the silence with, "We also need to go to the pharmacy and pick up vitamins he says you should take two vitamins since you're male and your body is probably going to be working harder since it's not really meant for—"

"Oi," he isn't meant to have a loving family atmosphere, he grew up without a family and thought he'd die with just Hijikata by his side, that's who his family was supposed to encompass: Shinpachi, Kagura and the mayonnaise  _asshole_  that just knocked him up. That was it. That's it. "We're going to be the worst parents in the whole goddamn world."

Hijikata snorts, pulls out his pack of cigarettes before pushing them back into his pocket with a small frown. "Just don't do anything dangerous."

"Easy for you to say, you can't go dying on me either, I can't raise a brat by myself especially not on my income. Babies are expensive."

Hijkata falls silent, eyes flickering sway from Gintoki's stomach.

"So, a baby." Hijikata exhales, looking to Yamazaki who's awkwardly been glancing at them both the entire time through the rear view mirror, and Gintoki really wishes he could just get home right now and abruptly go into a coma until 9 months are up plus two years. "What do you think, huh, Yamazaki?"

"I think it'll be difficult for you two to adjust to domestic life," Yamazaki blurts out immediately, "It's like putting two wild wolves in a cage with a baby bunny or something."

"Asshole—"

"What about your job?" Gintoki says, tearing away Hijikata's hand from the back of the head-rest where he was attempting to wrap his hands around Yamazaki's neck. "You have to live on the those stinky all-men barracks, don't you?"

"Ah," Hijikata says, shrugging back his shoulders, "No I can file an official change of residence, it isn't a problem."

"It'll be difficult but Kondo-san has already reported back to me he'll think of ways to make Hijikata-san more free."

"Ha? That gorilla already knows?"

"Sougo was there," Hijikata sighs out, as though that explains  _everything_. "I bet the everybody in Edo knows by now because of that bastard. Oi, Gintoki, let's raise our child to become an assassin to kill that bastard."

"Kagura is already doing that, it wouldn't be fair to take away her job from her, you know?" He muses, before feeling the sobering reality just  _hit_  him. What the fuck, he's pregnant, everyone around him is suddenly adjusting and trying to make it so he can become a perfect glossy parent. But he doesn't  _want_  to raise a kid. Well no, he does, he likes children and always dreamed of having a large chaotic family but he thought he had accomplished that.

"We're going to need a bigger house," Hijikata muses and Gintoki slinks backwards into the seat, closing his eyes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They end up settling on just adding a second floor to the house through renovations from connections with the repair amanto that Tatsuma hooks them up with and Otose looks thrilled when Hijikata hands her the last three months of unpaid rent, and Gintoki watches in mild horror as Hijikata starts to fully and  _completely_  move in with him. They never actually say anything about it, nor does Hijikata actually  _ask_  him if any of this is what he wants: just big motions of auto-pilot. All of it is disgusting and becoming more and more bordering on domestic.

"Did you take your vitamins?" Hijikata asks, slapping down four bowls of rice onto the table before other food actually  _follows_. For a moment, Gintoki actually misses the days when their meals were simple because they couldn't afford anything else.

"I  _just_  woke up, bastard." Gintoki grumbles back, slinking into his seat and sighing when he hears Shinpachi's shrill chime of ' _good morning_ ' as he heads into the living room. Kagura already up and cursing out Hijikata about waking her up too early, and it's so fucking domestic.

He hates it.

He was supposed to have abandoned this life completely and utterly: that was his penance for all the bad he did, that he would never get that stupid family life he's always desired. He's already 2 months and 2 weeks pregnant, when he stands in front of the bathroom mirror naked there's a tiny little bump in his stomach that looks mildly unnatural but can still be passed off as he's just getting a bit chubby in his old age.

But it's not, it's a fucking fetus growing inside of him that contains both  _him_ and that mayora-idiots DNA. They have, utterly and successfully, created the worst possible combination of DNA Gintoki will have the displeasure of witnessing.

He rubs at his stomach, frowning.

"Can I touch it?" Kagura asks, popping up behind Gintoki with big glossy eyes.

"Not much to touch yet," Hijikata adds, coming up beside Gintoki and rubbing his hand over the expanded little bubble within Gintoki's skin, and his hair stands up at the sheer  _gushy-ness_  of that touch. Kagura follows suit, poking at Gintoki twice before deeming it boring enough to ignore for now.

Great he's pregnant, he can accept that. Fine. Pregnant, weirder things have happened to him in his life honestly, this only makes number 6. He can handle this, but Hijikata and his relationship changing from casual dating to full on parents in a stable relationship is a bit harder to stomach, honestly. He's always lived his life free of any serious commitment and that's the way he likes it.

Now there's a seal on his life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He's 18 weeks in when the baby first kicks.

It's surreal, absolutely surreal. It happens when Kagura is cooing at his stomach stupidly with Otae, both of them making obscene comments about Hijikata with Hijikata passively rubbing at Gintoki's stomach as he flips through documents thoroughly ignoring the insults being thrown his way. "What was that?" Hijikata asks, tearing his eyes abruptly away from his papers.

"Oh!" Otae coos, hands clapping together. "Did the baby kick?"

"Yeah," Gintoki says, mildly memorized until the thing kicks  _again_  and this time harder, and he winces. It doesn't really hurt, kind of, it's uncomfortable and slightly irritating but it doesn't leave him in pain. Hijikata bends down to be at eye-level with his stomach immediately, eyes going wide.

"Oi, baby, do it again. Kick him."

He's going to have to discipline his child when they're born if they're willing to listen to Hijikata of all people  _on command_. Because as soon as the words are out the baby wiggles slightly, before kicking Gintoki harder.

"Good," Hijikata says, looking slightly smug, "Put your mother in as much pain as possible."

_Mother._

Everyone around him has referred to him as such, even Shinpachi—who seems insistent that a man cannot  _be_  a mother—but Hijikata has never actually even really spoke of their relationship in an outright way. Just vague wording, vague labels. But  _mother_. He suddenly feels like crying and knows it's definitely the babies fault. He's never been this sentimental before the pregnancy, but then again he never peed as much as he does now, either. Even his  _hair_  has gotten curlier.

It's as though Hijikata has declared this, this is real.

And Gintoki hates nothing more.

"Why does he keep kicking whenever you talk?"

"I've heard that babies recognize their parents voices even in the womb," Shinpachi offers in a scholastic tone. Gintoki finds that absolutely horrifying that his fetus has already determined that Hijikata is his father, and also oddly comforting.

"Gross," Gintoki grunts back too, shoving away both Kagura and Hijikata's searching hands that have begun to sliver  _underneath_  his shirt and that's where he draws the 'pregnant-touching' line. He waddles up—hating momentarily how weird it is that it takes a bit of effort to get off of the couch—and yawns. "I'm going out."

"Where?" Hijikata asks immediately standing up to follow suit, even damned Shinpachi does.

"I'm going for a walk, I don't need you to follow me," he grunts back, slipping his sword onto his hip before giving his stomach a good last-measure rub. "I'll be fine."

"I think someone should go with you, Gin-san," Shinpachi offers tentatively, "You  _do_  always get in trouble and you can't exactly fight right now."

_Great_ , he thinks sarcastically as he waves for Kagura to follow him,  _now I'm an invalid_.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

His stomach is now big enough to balance shit on it.

He places his hands over the mass, rubbing it gently as he prods along behind Shinpachi and Kagura  _with_  the unpleasant additions of Kondo, Sougo and of course the loving and bastardly seed maker of his baby. Hijikata glances back at him lagging behind, hesitates, before stopping completely and coming to walk beside Gintoki. "Are you okay?"

"Fine." Gintoki snaps back, glancing away from where Hijikata places a hand on the base of his back and  _refuses_  to allow himself to lean into the touch despite that it'll probably help. He hates it. His back is always sore, his  _nipples_  are fucking tender as hell, and last night he started crying because Shinpachi told him he needs to stop being a fatass and actually get off the couch.

Hijikata is bastardly good to him, ever since Gintoki's started showing off their little ass fuck creation Hijikata hasn't even  _yelled_  at him. It's disgusting, that's what it is. Last night Gintoki had purposefully stuck his toe into Hijikata's face with the intention of being yelled at, but Hijikata had fucking  _kissed_  it. The dumb bastard  _kissed_  his fucking toe like Gintoki had just done something really cute instead of something disgusting. He hates being pregnant. People are always touching him in subconscious movements, even Shinpachi and Kagura are always handsy with him lately, Kagura always touching the baby bump and Shinpachi always grabbing Gintoki nervously by the arm.

Hijikata, for some reason, has taken to having the patience of a saint while Gintoki is pregnant. Something about not wanting to stress Gintoki out, or he doesn't know. Nor does he really care.

He hates a mushy Hijikata, mushy Hijikata is  _not_  the man he started dating. He started dating the thorned Hijikata and he'd prefer to have that version back.

"Buy me a parfait, I'm hungry."

"Chocolate?"

Okay, maybe not. The mushy version of Hijikata  _does_ have some benefits.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hijikata's hand lands absentmindedly on his stomach, Gintoki grunting bitterly at the showy display. He's realized Hijikata has become like this ever since they've had this damned child between the two of them. Is it a power display? Is it so people don't fucking hurt him? Whatever it is, he hates it.

He sighs, glancing over in the direction of Shinpachi and Sarutobi arguing about male pregnancy—her thing is ' _it's my child_!' to which Shinpachi is lament that it literally  _can't_  be—and Gintoki is about four seconds away from punching somebody, really he is,  _but_.

"Shit," he says, a sudden feeling of wetness just  _dropping_  from him and for a second he thinks maybe he peed himself, because being pregnant  _always_  makes him want to pee, but he glances down and is met with a giant puddle leaking from his pants, "I think my water just broke."

"What," Hijikata says, unlit smoke dropping from his mouth in sudden alarm.

" _GAAAH!_ " Kagura screams, uselessly coming and  _picking_  Gintoki up—which results in four people yelling at her—and Gintoki, honestly, wishes everyone would just shut up. Hijikata is promptly freaking out alongside with Shinpachi both of them uselessly going back and forth between the other trying to come up with what they should do as Sarutobi is bringing out clean towels intent that Gintoki  _must_  give birth at her insistence. Obviously pregnancy has made her fucking insane because he's pretty sure he's missing a piece of anatomy that makes birth actually  _possible_.

He comes to the swift conclusion when his body begins to start contracting, that he, indeed, hates the amanto. 

"Oi, Mayo-brain bring me to the hospital."

_Maybe I should become a joui again_.


End file.
